Q. Dear Wash,
My wife is going into labor! I don't know what to do! We live all the way out here in the country, and only have this internet connection, and I don't know anything about doctoring or being a father! Your advice would be greatly appreciated!
A. Dear HELP!
Jaysus, lad! Don’t panic! The first thing you have to remember is not to panic. See, I know this because back in the Points, we all lived in a crowded building with paper-thin walls, so if anyone was in the family way, everyone within earshot knew about it. And the one thing I kept hearing was “don’t panic!”
The other thing I kept hearing was orders for the lads to boil water. I’m not sure what that was for, but I suspect it was to keep them busy so they had something other to do than panic.
Having said that, me boyo, I should probably go ahead and tell you that you have every reason to panic. I’m a bachelor, so I am, and me ma’s been long done with that sort of thing. So if it's sodding terrible advice you need, then you've come to the right place. I’ve heard a hell of a lot of panicking through the walls in me life. But since it’s just you and your lass, you can’t do that. So don’t. So keep things as clean as you can, hold your lass’s hand, and hope for the best. If all goes well, you’re going to end up with a baby whether you do or you don’t, so you might as well spare yourself the trouble.
Near as I can tell, that’s the easy part. The hard part is what comes next, where you have to be a da. The stuff you have to do and know to be a da are a lot harder to get right. Your wee bairn will think you keep the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky, and just for them. And in a way, he or she will be right.